I’m sorry this happened to you. It sounds as if she is influenced far too much by what her parents think and possibly what others might think of what seem like small socio-economic differences. Nothing you shared would have caused me to question a relationship, especially one that seemed to be so open about other issues.

I recently had this extremely bad incident whereby this girl whom I had known for a few months and gotten together less than a month back decided to end the relationship abruptly on advice of her parents due to “socioeconomic differences”. We had an excellent history of bringing up issues in the relationship for discussion, we’ve had a good relationship so far, and we used to have a perfect record in resolving issues, but this was something that she didn’t bring up for discussion before breaking up. Instead, she asked me several very probing questions about my financial status one night, after which, she called her parents for advice, then a few hours later she ended the relationship. This occured in the context us not having a chance to even talk about our financial habits seriously.

I am studying for my degree part time and working full time to pay for it. I am not in any debt whatsoever besides the university fees (which I can handle with the wages I’m making at my job), and I tend to be a frugal person. No car, average housing in apartments.

She on the other hand comes from a wealthy family with landed property and two cars. From what I’ve seen of her spending habits, she isn’t the type of rich girl to splurge. She is currently on a scholarship getting her degree, and she manages her own finances.

How does this story strike you?

I don’t think it is absolutely necessary to be completely compatible with your partner in the financial area, but it is important to be open about how you view money and to have a willingness to resolve how the finances are to be worked out once you are in the same household. If you don’t address it assumptions are made that may lead to major tension down the road.

Being up front about large debt is important, too. No one likes to admit they have major debt, of course, but as Kathryn says, you don’t want it to be this huge secret. To me not admitting about a large debt is akin to not revealing you have a child. And isn’t it interesting that how to raise children is also a source of marriage tension. :)

Luckily for me right now I am attending a university with the intention of graduating in the area of Finance, so all of my classmates are financially educated, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they all make good choices with their finances, but it certainly does increase my chances to find someone who handles their finances similar to me. =D I am still single though! :(

Till then,

Jean

Alexandra: I agree. It has nothing to do with gender. Different money styles ARE ok as long is there is agreement and respect for the other’s choices. Great comments.

I think it’s okay if people have slightly different money styles, as long as they are somewhat compatible. My husband and I are both responsible about money, but he likes to take risks, whereas I tend to be conservative. It still works…

Good post but just a comment so that people are not taking away the wrong lesson. Having read your work, you are an astute manager of your own finances and a good giver of advice. Thus, the viewpoint in which you give your advice on dating is from the perspective that you have controlled your own financial house and you are looking for others who share similar values and that is implicit in your outview.

However, what I would caution anyone reading this piece is to think that as long as the other person (male or female) has their financial house in order than no self-reflection has to occur on the dater’s part. I would not want anyone taking away the message that “the guy/girl has to have their stuff together on money or its dumpsville” without actually looking at oneself since the only constant in your dating life is yourself.

Thus, if you want someone to have a healthy attitude about money, a good starting point is to look at oneself since like do tend to attract like.

Keep up the good work.

I just don’t want them complaining about the cost of things when they do pay! :-)

I’m in my 20’s and I have to agree – stingy people and leeches turn me off – lucky for me I haven’t really ran into too many.

Guys should always remember – if you go on a date – you gotta pay if you like the girl – if you don’t have money and not willing to pay, staying home is better. :) – And it’s not about girls being gold diggers – it’s about showing your character to a possible potential life long partner.

Let me say that I appreciate that Kathryn’s perspectives have brought a new dynamic to this blog. Judging by the comments, it seems that more women take the opportunity to let themselves be heard when Kathryn posts – good to see!

I’m going to show this article (and this site) to my teenage daughters. I don’t think it is too early to start establishing the types of characteristics one looks for in a successful relationship – and this could also include best friends. As they are just now entering the (part time) work world, money is becoming ever more important to them. I hope they begin to realise the effort to not only make, but strategically spend and even grow those dollars.

As M Hawk pointed out, people can change. My wife was previously married to a man that earned a decent wage but never saved for the future. That fit well with her philosophy at the time since she was young, only 1 child and had the unfortunate tragedy befall her of losing her father when she was quite young. She used to say that tomorrow is never promised so why sacrifice joy today when you may not be around?

But, when she separated, she became a model of fiscal responsibility. Working two jobs or one job and going to school at night, she managed to save together a substantial amount for a house downpayment within just a couple of years. The security of owning her own home was the key motivating factor.

When I arrived on the scene, she and discovered that we were quite different when it comes to managing the money. I have always worried about the big things and the small things. But, over time, we have come to find a middle ground where I loosen the purse, ahem, wallet strings a little more and she makes sure RRSP and RESP contributions are a top priority.

We have always had a joint and separate bank accounts and there is enough trust in our relationship that we don’t even have a threshold for personal spending. I think it is a good idea but it is something we have not needed to implement.

As Kathryn does, I handle most of the money management in the house. I encourage my wife to participate more in it for a couple of reasons. One, I think she needs to have a voice as this is critical to her future and my perspectives are educated and assured – but they are not infallible. The second is that I would hate that if something happened to me she would be further burdened with trying to develop a critical skill set such as financial management especially as our affairs are more complex.

But, I’ve stopped asking her since it is clear she is very comfortable with our assigned responsibilities. It just means my 2nd career as a lion tamer will have to be put on hold a little longer…

Neither my husband nor I knew much about money when we first started dating (in high school) but we were not on the same page either, simply due to differences in upbringing. We were both willing to learn, and now we’re on the same page (even though we still approach our joint plan in different ways).

Thank you for writing this and I agree that you need to be on the same page financial otherwise one partner can easily distinegrate the savings accumlumated.

I believe respect for hard earned money is very important and children need to understand this early on in life.

Best regards, Vanda

there was one guy i met online, a psychotherapist for a public school system, who I met for dinner at a nice restaurant, and when it came time to pay the tab, he looked in his wallet and said he must’ve left his money home and could i chip in $20? I thought this was totally lacking in class and needless to say, i never saw him again.

He was all excited about the date and called me at home once we’d both returned home after the evening. When i informed him i wasn’t interested, sorry, he threw a hissy fit, which i thought was unusual, given he was a shrink. Very immature, and very tacky behavior.

1. Have money (like how much? at least more than I have, silly boy!)

2. Make me feel special by spending it on me (like, totally, otherwise how would I know for sure?)

3. What you don’t spend on me, you better let me control (like, I have goals, and if you can’t afford them now (loser..), you better let me save for them.. it’s OUR money, honey).

Bah… Cue the name calling and the phrases like “you’re just mad `cause…”.

But I don’t get mad, I get a separate bank account… Hopefully Brian has one.