I am sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you and that part of the issue is that you and your spouse aren’t pulling together. You can’t, and shouldn’t, take this burden on by yourself. Your spouse needs to get engaged and that may need you to sit him down and explain quite strongly that this isn’t just about money – it is about the future of your marriage.

Do either of your employers offer counselling services as part of your benefits package? It may be prudent to get some professional assistance to help you cope with your spouse’s ignorance of his responsibilities to your marriage. A 3rd party might finally get the message through by articulating the situation without being confrontational and emotional.

Good luck with this…

Hopefully Kathryn reads your post – she will have many pearls of wisdom to add, I’m sure.

I’m not an expert, but would there not be lawyers who would work on a contingency basis for your case? I know that many of them will have an opening consultation (1 hour) for free.

I hope that you get the money that you rightly deserve.

The husband should be able to trust his wife not to jeopardize the trust in their relationship with a purchase of (or plans to buy) things which may cripple their finances (be that a dishcloth, or a new car). The wife should have the same tranquility regarding her husband’s purchases (or plans to purchase).

The bottom line is that each should be able to believe that the preservation of their marriage (and the trust they each need) is more important than ANY financial selfishness one may entertain. It’s pretty simple…either bring trust to nurture & honor the marriage in a responsible way or tear apart the trust and the marriage when you insist on individual wants (akin to stomping your feet in a childish display of selfishness). And it all begins at which point one partner makes plans without the other.

I choose to nurture and honor my partner and my marriage. Once the necessities of providing for our food, etc., and paying our bills is accomplished, savings are in order. Beyond that, we feel no need to talk about responsible small purchases. We trust ourselves (and the other) to BE RESPONSIBLE. For non-necessary items, we will BOTH know of the planning before the purchase. If not, the purchase simply is not made. There are no hidden agendas. It’s far better to share and anticipate wishes (leading to support or a discussion) than planning or spending selfishly. This sharing shows respect for your originial, and continuing union.

If there are differences and an ensuing discussion, often one partner can bring insight to the other regarding the pros and cons of the plans and/or purchase. In the end, both should understand fully any detractions of the plan (or purchase), and each should then trust the other to honor the outcome of the discussion. Making the decision together brings support and trust to the marriage. Conversely, if your plans can’t stand the light of day (cannot be shared with your life partner), it’s a foregone conclusion that selfishness on your part will erode trust and happiness in the maggiage. Grow up and smell the coffee, folks!

If you are making plans or purchases without your partner’s knowledge or support, you forfeit trust, respect, and joy in your relationship. For if one can’t trust the other to care for and nurture the relationship, respect is lost, and joy in the marriage becomes a very remote possibility.

P. S. This year marks the 40th year of our union. We have always had
a joint checking account. There is no he or she separation. This is a
marriage and partnership…plain and simple.

To paraphrase Shakespeare: “Get thee to a Marriage / Debt Counselor.”

Until your husband comes to understand how destructive his behaviours are, they will continue. As unpalatable as it may seem, you and he may have to take some draconian measures to address this financial infidelity.

Best wishes on getting things straightened out.

DAvid

She was always after the “big sale” versus working diligently to make money. I had to threaten her with divorce for her to get even a temp job. Funny thing was that the first temp placement she had was at a bank call center calling people who had just missed their first auto loan payment!!!

I threatened to kick her out a second time when I found yet another hidden credit card with $1300 on it. The time when we should have been DINKs- double income no kids- we were OINKs- one income no kids- because her employment was going to pay off credit bills only.

She always wanted to live beyond our means. I wrangled the new SUV for her in late 2001, I wrangled the 80% loan /20%ARM for a home for us, I wrangled the refinance to get out of the 20% ARM, but it was never enough.

The pressure built over the years even after we had paid off the debt she incurred. I nearly went crazy over time. I was misdiagnosed as being depressed and perscribed anti-depressants. The meds assisted me to commit physical adultrey when I had been faithful for over 8 years even when all the credit debt craziness was going on. The only reason I tell you this is that when I was in the “exit phase” of the marriage, the ex-wife went and bought $8,000 to $11,000 worth of brand new furniture for what would become “her house” (no equity of course due to the two financings within three years). She said she got the new furniture because I had kept her “down” financialy and had us using old hand-me-down furniture gifts from various family members. While that new furniture was solely her debt, it was the marriage’s final indication that she had no concept of financial management. Neither of us had that type of money nor did her parents pay for it.

Even after the divorce, she is all about the money and lack of foresite. We had two children together. I am happy to pay the child support but when I was laid off and looking for new work, she sued me for almost a full years amount of child support. This was even though she had garnished my meggar temp job wages and I was paying support when I fixed up and sold old cars. The court granted her a sum under $100 (yes one hundred as in between 99 and 101) in back support and required us to each pay our own lawyer fees.

I live under my means. I have a new spouse (unrelated to the prior marriage adultrey) who has the same financial values as I do. I am currently planning that I will have to pay my childrens entire college even though my ex and I are supposed to pay 50% each as I figure my ex will be bankrupt by that time.

It is “financial infidelity”. I almost could have dealt with it easier if the ex-wife had gotten a boyfriend behind my back. I would have just kicked her out and been done with it rather than try to be the “good husband” and kept the coupleship together by fighting her and the debt…

Barring all cases of bipolar psychological disorders or extreme domestic abuse, HIDING DEBT from your spouse is in the SAME category as CHEATING! It is a deception, a breach of trust on the same scale. No, your spouse does not run the risk of bringing home cooties, or getting some bimbo knocked-up as in the case of an adulterous affair. However, your spouse will most likely bring home hardship, disgrace, instability, struggle, distrust, great expense, and the ringing of bill collectors all day and all night. Oh yeah, and don’t forget all of the missed opportunities that go by while your working two jobs to pay back credit card companies at 29% interest. Worth it? C’mon people, has the collective character of our great country stooped so low in recent times? Are unnecessary goods, services, and keeping up with the Jones of more importance than the psychological, financial, and emotional stability within your very home?

I am what you would call a saver. This is the fashionable distinction to make these days; either you’re a SPENDER or a SAVER…whatever. Let me just say that I think this distinction is a load of crap. Either you are a responsible adult accountable for your actions, or you are behaving like an out of control child. The laws of money are based on simple mathematics that you learned in grade school. Apply them and you will reap success, forgo them and you will suffer more or less like those other fools out there right now getting foreclosed on. The banks and credit card companies don’t care how emotionally needy you were while you drank your $6 latte’s, bought a hummer, or just had to impress the neighbors with this, that, and the other thing. Unless you file for bankruptcy, you are basically on the hook, a slave to the lender. And another thing, the banks and lenders are smarter than you, they hire finance MBAs and PhDs who will work 80hrs per week figuring out how to get you in debt and keep you there.

How do I know this – EXPERIENCE. I was married to just such a person; she duped me three times in our 8yr marriage. Each time with a promise to change and that it would never happen again. I bailed us out of it each time, and when enough time went by and I let my guard down, she did it again. This third and final time I am forced to file bankruptcy, attempt to sell my house in a down market (all offers have been less than I paid for the home), my credit is ruined because she put my name on some of the cards which she never intended to pay, and to forfeit all of the sweat equity that I put into this home over the past four years of back breaking renovations that were done on nights and weekends after my 60 hour work week.

My husband and I have been married for five years. In that period of time I have lied to him just about every day when it comes to finances. Through other areas of our life together I’ve been supportive, encouraging, and honest. The finances; however, are my downfall. I’m simply a coward when it comes to talking about these things with him.

My infidelity relates to getting a credit card and keeping it a secret from him…several times. The last one has just recently been discovered and held a $3000 balance. Now I knew when I signed up for it that it was the wrong thing to do. I also knew when I used it that it was the wrong thing to do. To try and explain my reasons for keeping it from him, well there just is no explanation worthy enough. He caught it on our credit report and confronted me about it yesterday. I have a lot of self-discovery to do about why I’m this way but the worst part is knowing that I have now jeopardized our marriage and destroyed any semblance of trust he may have had left it me.

We do have joint accounts and we do have full access to each other’s accounts. We’ve been trying to get out of debt and one thing I am okay with is that I did close the account several months ago when I realized that I can NOT be trusted when it comes to holding a credit card in hand. Not telling him about it though is utterly childish and stupid. My reason…which feel free to harp on and run amuck with…I wanted to be able to spend money on small things without him constantly getting on my case about it. I theorized that I’m a grown woman who should be able to buy a pair of running shoes, go drink some coffee, buy a book to read, or go to the movies without having him harp on me about it when he spend money on a boat that is nothing but a sinking ship waiting to happen.
What I’ve learned is that just isn’t so when you don’t divulge that information to him straight forward. He always tells me about the boat repairs that are needed, he is always open an honest when he needs to use the credit card for something in particular, and he never hides his spending from me the way I do from him.
So now I’m on the path of discovery of figuring out my ‘why’ my fear of telling him and need to hide this from him is more important than having the truth and respect in our marriage. For all of you who have posted about how it is working for you, I’m in awe. For me, I’ll post again on here when I can actually state that I too am able to stop the hidden ‘me’ spending and accountability into ‘this is how we figured it out’.

I think that we are on the same page (or a similar one). The only difference is that you are all for good record-keeping and I can’t knock that. At the end of the day, by keeping a tight control on money you will probably be financially ahead of me. My control over finances is more focused on keeping my bank balances positive by maintaining a general grasp on how much cash is available without going into overdraft. I know that is very minimalist but I’m too busy to invest too much time in record-keeping.

I don’t use my credit card too much – mostly required if cash is not available and there are car repairs. When I get my credit card bill, there are few items on there so it is easy to visually scan the bill with some comfort that I did make those purchases. With a joint account, good luck with that!

I’m not big on a savings account (unless there is a specific thing that I’m saving for) because there is usually a small debt somewhere that makes more sense to pay off than earning 2% interest less taxes. You get taxed on interest earned but can’ t write off interest on purchases (other than the SM).

My objective is to live within my means and make my “means” a little better through the SM when its time to retire.

I’m assuming there were only 2 people in this relationship? Assigning blame shouldn’t be too hard, even if it was equal between the two of you. Keeping good records would solve this problem, although if all purchases are made by debit card/check, this should be automatic.

“Separate accounts might not be politically correct but I’d rather be happy and politically incorrect.”

Couldn’t agree more. My girlfriend and I have separate accounts. Joint accounts do have their drawbacks (fees, more paperwork), they can also make things easier (easier to track joint expenses). Then again, separate accounts work just fine if you keep good records, and you don’t have to put your financial wellbeing in somebody elses hands.

1. 2 Separate bank accounts ( a third joint account is going to attract more bank charges). I did the joint bank account thing and when the overdraft reached critical point there was nobody to point the finger at because nobody took responsibility for the spending or overspending. 4 years of separate accounts and I’m still in the black.

2.Separate bank accounts allows for 2 different people with different levels of urgency. If I overspend, I will suffer and that makes me responsible for my own finances. I don’t appreciate suffering from someone else’s spending habits. That doesn’t mean that you can’t offer advise to your partner but I would rather give friendly advice than yell when things have gone too far.

3. The major bread winner pays all of the bills and recoups a flat amount each pay from the partner for a reasonable share of the non-mortgage, non-taxes expenses (or however you want to split expenses). At the end of the year or when there is a significant
change in wage for a partner, there should be a reasonable adjustment in the flat amount paid. It should always be fair.

My wife-to-be appreciates that I take the bull by the horn when it comes to finances. I appreciate that she understands me and thinks the same way. Life is great when you are on the same wave-length. Its really nice not to argue about money. Its easier to negotiate splitting the bills once per year than arguing about mounting debt when there is nothing left.

Separate accounts might not be politically correct but I’d rather be happy and politically incorrect.

My wife, Mrs. Cents, and I utilize financial software and online banking to ensure all expenses, incomes, and transfers are known to each other. We each have our own allowances every month that we can use for whatever we choose, but these purchases are shown when downloaded from our credit cards or bank accounts. The specific item/purchase/service might not be conveyed, but we must tell the other that it was for allowance (and sometimes face a question or two like “Honey, what’s ‘The Silver Slipper Saloon’ and why did you go there twice last week?”)

It’s this transparency that keeps us honest with each other and ourselves and keeps us off the road to financial ruin.

Seems pretty good to me.

“You might be thinking that I’m crazy for buying such small lots, but since I have a bunch of free trades to use up, why not?”

I dont think so FT.

It reminds me of the $50 rule which is quite simple.

Take the avearge Jane or John Doe who may spend (waste) $50 per week on either a 2/4 or booze, lunches, entertainment, possibly even junk food groceries or toys they really dont need.

Simply stick a $50 in an account every week (a good forced savings habit), then at the end of each month have your broker take the $200 by direct withdrawal and put it into your trading account to buy dividend stocks. If your have an RRSP all the better, then you can compound the tax return also.

It does not take very long to accumulate wealth this way &with the many rollover options reinvesting on dividends, you end up accumulating dividends larger than the $200 per month that goes into the trading account.

Small steps get you to the top much easier than running

Consider the possible multiples of $50 for those of you that have more spare change or if you frugal it a bit more

This system is working quite well for us!

I like the idea of a joint checking account, which each part contributes a certain part of their income, and each party could see all activity of the other online. But we haven’t set that up, because we don’t really need it.

The positive side was that it got us talking about finances. She had a plan of taking out a loan to buy another vehicle in a certain price range. Since I had a decent cash reserve, I suggested we buy a car together without a loan. After that we learned all the details of how we managed money which was valuable when we bought a house.

Today we have shared chequing and saving accounts, and separate investment accounts. I know more about investing so I make suggestions on what we could do for either of us and we discuss the upsides and downsides together. She has the veto. When considering risk we look at all accounts together. It works well for us.